Dating After Cancer

How To Be Single

Did you ever see the movie How to Be Single? There’s a scene where one character dumps a bowl of peanuts on the bar top and sweeps away groups of them as she lists all of the reasons they’re undateable. Not peanuts — all peanuts are undateable, just to clarify. The peanuts are guys, in this scenario, if you didn’t catch on to that metaphor. Mine went something like this:

My friend Tom: What are you doing online? I mean, you’re a pretty girl and there are two hundred thousand people in this city!

Me: Yeah, but how many eligible people? Here.

[I dump a bottle of tamoxifen tablets on the table]

Me: Okay, there are two hundred thousand people in this city. Sounds like a lot, right?

Tom: Why are you pouring your medication all over the table?

[I separate half of the tablets]

Me: But, half of them are women, and even though I sometimes swing that way, our city is a conservative landfill in regards to alternative dating. Plus, most of the women I’d be into are already friends of mine.

Tom: Tell me about how you sometimes swing —

Me: Let it go.

Tom: I think the dog is eating one of your pills.

Me: So, one hundred thousand people. And then you have to have some age limits. Let’s say over 30, because I don’t have time to deal with millennials.

[I start separating the pills again]

Me: Under 42.

Tom: Why under 42?

Me: Because otherwise they message you on your dating profile and tell you about their sweet ride and their AAA membership and all you have to do is be a good wifey and cook for them… not interested. So anyway, now it’s twenty five thousand.

Tom: Right, we’re talking about twenty five thousand guys.

[I start separating the pills again]

Me: But half of them are married, ten percent are gay.

Tom: That’s still quite a bit —

Me: [throwing peanuts] Thirty percent of them don’t have a clue what to do with a kid. Fifteen percent just want to play guitar or Super Mario Brothers or whatever.

Tom: Shaneé, that game is from the 90s.

Me: Seven percent work at my favorite local music venue and I am not giving up going to my favorite place because it didn’t work out.

[There’s only one tablet left on the table]

Tom: There’s your boyfriend.

Me: I wish.

[I smash the pill with the bottom of my pill bottle]

Me: Twenty percent are going to be scared as shit when I tell them I had cancer.

[I start separating the little parts of the pill]

Me: Five percent are gonna think it’s weird I only have one nipple.

Tom: I think it’s weird you have a bunch of pills all over the place. That’s gonna trip up your game.

Me: And most of them are on Tinder.

Tom: These are the women?

[referring to the pile of pills on the counter]

Me: Hmm.

Tom: Thanks.

[He gathers up the pills into his hand and pops them into his mouth]

Me: Tom! Those are estrogen blockers!

[Posted on Medium 9.11.17]